Songs Of The Saints: Overcoming Anxiety Moment By Moment
While attending the Chicago World Fair in 1893, American gospel singer Ira Sankey witnessed a conversation between British pastor Henry Varley and Major Daniel W. Whittle. “I do not like the hymn ‘I Need Thee Every Hour’ very well,” Varley confessed to Whittle, “because I need Him every moment of the day.” Shortly after that providential interaction, Whittle wrote the beloved hymn, “Moment by Moment.” Over a century later, I’m so glad he did.
On April 10, 2017, I woke up at 3 a.m. to intense itching on my palms. Within seconds, I started vomiting uncontrollably and broke out in hives all over my body. My tongue was tingling, and when I looked in the mirror, my lips were three times their normal size. I felt my throat closing in, so I woke up my husband who called for help. Sitting in our bedroom recliner waiting for the paramedics, my blood pressure plummeted. As I went in and out of consciousness, I remember hearing the sirens and praying, “God help me; God help me; God help me.”
God did help me that night, but leaving the hospital, we had no idea what had caused the reaction. My diet hadn’t changed. We couldn’t think of any environmental changes. The doctors were completely stumped and didn’t give me any sort of medication or plan.
As you can imagine, I was anxious—like every-moment-of-the-day anxious. With three small boys at home who weren’t yet old enough to call for help, my biggest fear was that something would happen to me when my husband was at work and that they would be alone with no one to watch over them.
I did everything I could think of to protect them. I bought a medical ID bracelet. I carried an epi-pen and phone on my person at all times. I had an army of friends and family ready at the helm. But it wasn’t enough.
I was living in perpetual fear, and it didn’t take me long to realize that this constant anxiety would kill me faster than any anaphylactic reaction ever could. As I fought against this fear and anxiety, the chorus of “Moment by Moment” came to mind. I had fallen in love with the lyrics six years prior, but they took on even greater meaning as I faced this overwhelming trial.
Moment by moment, I’m kept in his love; moment by moment, I’ve life from above, looking to Jesus till glory doth shine; moment by moment, O Lord, I am thine.
This precious hymn reminded me that I could only overcome my anxiety by trusting in Jesus—in the hope of the gospel—moment by moment.
I lost so much during that season. My health, comfort, and any semblance of control flew out the window. Even though it seemed like all was lost, I knew I was “kept in his love.” Nothing—not sickness, not fear, not even death—could separate me from the love of Christ (Rom 8:38-39). Moment by moment, God was holding me firm in the palm of his hand (Jn 10:29).
I also came to recognize God more intimately as the one who gives “life from above.” The Bible says he has numbered my days (Job 14:5). He knows and has ordained whether I will die from an allergic reaction or from a freak accident or simply old age. Every breath I breathe, every moment I live is a gift from him. And more than just the life he gives me on earth, he has given me eternal life through faith in his Son. To die would be to gain my most abundant life—and that is an everlasting life with God (Jn 10:10, Phil 1:21).
In his kindness, God led me to a Facebook support group with several other women, who (I now know) share my condition and helped me to find answers and a diagnosis. Not a day would go by without someone from the group sharing a heartbreaking story: the woman who just had her seventh miscarriage; the wife whose husband left her (because this wretched disease affects your sex life too); the woman who couldn’t get treatment because of her country’s healthcare system; and the thirteen-year old girl who had fifty years of pain and suffering ahead of her. These women had no hope. They were stuck looking at themselves—with their swollen lips and rash-covered bodies—and it was a tragedy.
As I watched them suffer without hope, I knew I had a choice: I could either keep my eyes on the problem, or I could look “to Jesus till glory doth shine.” By the grace of God, I lifted my eyes. When I did, I saw Christ, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb 12:2).
Jesus broke the power of sin and death (Rom 6:5-10). I knew that because I belonged to him, I would one day be completely healed. In the meantime, I didn’t need to despair. He promised to give me grace in my weakness. I just needed to look to him, and he would be strong for me (2 Cor 12:9). When I started to entertain the “what-ifs,” I would take each moment captive, remember his promise, and say, “Moment by moment, O Lord, I am thine.”
My mystery illness now has a name—autoimmune progesterone anaphylaxis—but there is no cure. I am grateful for a doctor who has helped me to manage my symptoms, but I do still struggle with anxiety and fear. “Moment by Moment” has become my theme song these past two years. Like Pastor Varley, I feel my desperate need for God to keep and sustain me every moment of the day. With his help, I am growing in my faith and learning to trust in him moment by moment.
This article was originally published at Morning By Morning on August 27, 2019.