Because I Knew You…
To my sweet baby in Heaven,
It’s been more than two years since we lost you. We said goodbye just two days after we said hello. Had I waited to take a pregnancy test, I probably would have never even realized that the blood that flowed was shed for you.
But God, in his kindness, prompted me to buy a test at Target that day in May. And in his sovereignty, I ditched my plan to surprise your dad with the news and just told him as soon as he walked in the door. (I’ve never been very good at surprises.) And in his goodness, he let us know you and love you for 48 sweet hours.
I’m so glad he did.
Your daddy and I love going to musicals together. One of our favorites over the years has been Wicked. There’s a line from a song towards the end that gets me every time….
“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”
Oh, sweet baby of mine. I am so thankful for the privilege of knowing you. In your short life, you made me a better mother, friend, and person. Because I knew you, I truly have been changed for good!
Knowing you made me grow in my knowledge of God. As I drew near to him, he was faithful to make himself known to me. I came to intimately know his comfort, healing, and hope, and it made me love him all the more.
Knowing you has helped me understand grief. Grief isn’t linear. It ebbs and it flows. I remember waking up one morning a few months after my miscarriage and realizing that I hadn’t thought of you the day before. I wept as I realized that the world–my world–kept turning without you in it. But I also rejoiced in how God was slowly, carefully mending my heart.
Knowing you has taught me how to walk with friends who are grieving. I have learned how to better care for my sisters walking through the valley by serving them and gently pointing them back to the unchanging, unwavering, unending love of God. My sympathy has turned to empathy, and I am grateful.
Knowing you has taught me to trust in God’s sovereignty over all things. Just before I started miscarrying, your daddy and I were watching a special on the Duggar family. It wasn’t something we would normally watch, but God knew it was just what we needed that day. As the family mourned the loss of their own baby, Jubilee, Jim Bob prayed, “Lord, you give and you take away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Literally moments later, your daddy prayed that same prayer as we pleaded with God to save you.
In the same breath that God gave you, he took you. In an instant, we were faced with a difficult question—could we trust him? At face value, it seemed like a cruel joke. Why would he let us know you if he was just going to rip you away? But we knew our God, and we knew that he is the antithesis of cruel. He is rich in mercy and abounding in steadfast love.
Death is a tragic reality of our broken, fallen world. But Christ conquered death so that you and I could spend eternity with him. The answer to the question, then, was and is a resounding, “Yes!” We can trust him completely with your life and ours.
Knowing you has given me hope. Two verses deeply ministered to me as we grieved your death.
“For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother’s womb. My praise is continually of you.” – Psalm 71:5-6
This Psalm reminded me that you leaned upon the Lord even before your birth. And when he took you from the warmth of my womb, you continued to praise him! Your hope in the LORD encouraged me in my own faith, dear child. It was contagious!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” – 1 Peter 1:3-5
The phrase “born again to a living hope” was my anthem after our miscarriage. These words had two very special meanings to me: I firmly believed that you were born again to a living hope in Heaven, and the living hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ gave me the strength to face each day with confidence.
Knowing you has made me long for heaven. Its not just because I believe I’ll see you there, though I so look forward to that day! You, little one, make me think on Heaven. And when I dwell on being with God for eternity, I can’t help but yearn to be there with you and all the saints, giving glory to our great God together.
Knowing you, my child, has been one of the greatest joys of my journey here on Earth. Thank you for proclaiming Christ to me and to others in your life and death. God has used you to change my life for good.
Until we meet again,
Mama
Resources for our sisters walking through pregnancy and infant loss
Books
Inheritance of Tears: Trusting the Lord of Life When Death Visits the Womb by Jessalyn Hutto {A friend gave me this book after I miscarried, and it was a huge encouragement}
Hope When it Hurts: Biblical reflections to help you you grasp God’s purpose in your suffering by Kristen Wetherell and Sarah Walton
Holding On to Hope: A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God by Nancy Guthrie
“There is hope for the woman who has miscarried since a baby was given to her more than 2,000 years ago. He lived for her, he died for her, and he will return for her.”
-Jessalyn Hutto, The Baby Given to Women Who Miscarry
Articles
Letter to a Parent Grieving the Loss of a Child by John Piper for Desiring God
Embracing the Grief of Miscarriage by Kelly Needham for True Women
5 Things God is Teaching Us Through Miscarriage by Abbey Wedgeworth for The Gospel Coalition
The Baby Given to Women Who Miscarry by Jessalyn Hutto
How Miscarriage Led to My Crisis of Faith by Trillia Newbell for Christianity Today
Help After Miscarriage: Be Pro-Life by Courtney Reissig {This one is especially helpful for women who want to support their sisters in Christ through miscarriage}
“Your son is not lifeless. He simply skipped earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, he will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows.”
– John Piper, Letter to a Parent Grieving the Loss of a Child
Podcasts
Risen Motherhood Ep. 23 – Hope After Miscarriage: Two Moms Share Their Stories of Loss & Healing
Risen Motherhood Ep.39 – Infertility, Miscarriage, and Motherhood with Courtney Reissig
Revive Our Hearts Podcast Series When a Heartbeat Goes Silent with Mark and Sarah Vroegop
“God comforts me by reminding me of who he is. He is my God. He is my personal, intimate, fatherly God. He is with me. I am not alone in my fear. And because he is with me, I need not be dismayed. He will strengthen me, he will help me, and he upholds me. I can receive his care and believe because he is God.”
-Trillia Newbell, How Miscarriage Led to My Crisis of Faith